Confession: I have lived in Texas for a year

New Confession: I have lived in Texas for a year. (and it's ok so far)

((The picture to the right is one of the first pictures that I took

with my new camera (bought with the money my sister gave me as a going away present). It was taken on 8/27/2009.))

Last year on August 18, 2009, I did something that I didn't think I would ever, ever, ever do. I left Arizona to move to Texas to attend Texas A&M University. It has been a year of ups...downs....twists...tangles....and of living. To mark this one year anniversary this post will be broken into two parts. Details of the move will be given in Part 1, while present and future accomplishments are in part 2. So....

-A year ago I sat in my Ma's spare bedroom not sure if I wanted to go through with the move. At that point I told Kendra (my best friend) that I was very unsure on whether or not I should go or stay. I put on a brave front as the date of me leaving approached, but with it being less than a day away (it was the evening of August 17th, 2009), I was in total collapse. Total collapse.

-A year ago that same night (August 17, 2009), I made a playlist called "Last night in Phoenix". Who was on that playlist? Sade. When all else goes wrong...play Sade. Trust me.

-A year ago I woke on Tuesday August 18, 2009 to Kendra making breakfast for me and My Ma and me sitting at the table in shock. Breakfast was good which took my mind off everything and let me pretend I was ok.

-A year ago, there was a shooting on Southern and Central Ave which led to a cop being shot. Because of the shooting there were helicopters buzzing around in the sky. This also happened the same exact time that Kendra and I was pulling out. Being the non emotional, non touchy people that my family is, no hugs or I love you's were exchanged between me and my Ma. Just a "call me when you land in Dallas". But...on her bad knee (she had just had surgery a couple weeks before) my Ma "pretended" to walk out to see where the helicopter was. Still, she somehow made it out far enough to wave goodbye to me as I pulled away from the house and down the street. And that's when it happened.

-A year ago, I finally broke down and cried. I mean cried. All the way to the airport. Stress+ reality finally took it's toll on me and I broke down. About halfway to the airport I composed myself...only to have Kendra cry when I got to the airport. I finally made my way into the airport with my two suitcases, $500 to my name and a thought of "what the hell am I doing?" in my head.

-A year ago, Veronica Hernandez (former supervisor, mentor, friend) called me at the airport (as she drove quickly down the freeway to work) to tell me how proud of me she is and how proud she was of the steps I was making in my life. So my message to Veronica in the way that Veronica would say it "le doy las gracias desde el fondo de mi corazon"... I know I probably messed that up, but if you know Veronica or have seen Veronica at candlenight ceremonies, it fits perfectly. (thank you cathi for the translation).

-A year ago I landed in Dallas...and then College Station, took a cab to the my apartment complex, bumped into future roommate Mel by accident and proceeded to a lonely apartment.

-A year ago I slept in a one bedroom apartment....on the floor.....watching tv.....by myself.

Today.....I'm still laying on the floor (it's what I do), but instead of being overwhelmed by emotions and being in shock of the changes my life has taken, I find myself happy with the way my life is at this point. I am surrounded my people that I love/care for, 9 months away from graduation, a better person than I was a year ago, and happy and content with my life. I do not think I can ask for more.

And if my Ma reads this...I am not depressed....

Part 2: One year later

Ten things that have happened since I've moved to TX:

1. Trip to New Orleans (see pic on left)

• It wasn't the fact that I was on my first road trip as a graduate student. It was where I was going. It wasn't the fact the fact that I was going to New Orleans. It was the fact that I was going to Louisiana. The birthplace of my Grandmother and home to family that I do not know. When it was my shift to drive back to College Station and as we passed Lake Charles Louisiana, my mind often drifted thinking of did my Grandmother and my Aunt Olivia making that same drive many times before. I am blessed, to have traveled the same road that she did.

2. Getting an A in a class.

• In Dr. Kerr's class of all classes.

3. Realizing that being in grad school does not equate to Intelligence.

• Just because you are in Grad School does not automatically mean that you have common sense, intelligence, etc.

4. Witnessed racist rants against all people (white, black, mexican, etc.)

• Look at number 3 and then add racism.

5. Have met amazing people

• Veronica once told me that the people I would meet in graduate school will be the people that I will be forever connected to. She would mention that in your undergraduate experience, you meet everybody. Everybody. But in grad school you meet people that would have the same passion in studying and doing what I find interesting. Since moving here I have met some amazing, amazing, amazing people. And for what they have done for me, with me, putting up with me, and showed me, I am forever grateful.

6. Witness the passion of Big 12 football.

• Sore legs from standing the whole game attests to this.

7. I turned 30

• Although I was not with family I was with amazing people (see number 5) (see pic to right)

8. Saw Corinne Bailey Rae in concert at the House of Blues in Houston, TX.

• Again, see number 5. How can such a powerful voice come from someone so tiny? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6iDWAcOnHaQ&feature=av2n)

9. Moved away from home and survived being away from home

• Physically I knew it was not going to kill me...but emotionally, I knew it was going to be a battle..luckily I made it.

10. Completed my first year of Graduate school.

• First in my family to do so.

Ten things I hope to happen in the next year:

1. See my uncle for the first time in 16 years and my cousin for the first time in 3 years.

• Both just recently completed "bids" in jail and were both released while I am here in Texas.

2. Continue being/searching/developing "me".

• Although I know who I am and I think I know what I want to be, I'm still finding out lil things about myself that I did not know before.

3. Thank those that need to be thanked when they are to be thanked.

• Anybody and everybody who has helped me to get where I am now: My Ma, My Sister, my Grandfather, Upward Bound family (Lyd, Vero, Mayra, Mr. Coin, Amarone, Belinda), WESTOP family (Sam, Brian, Melisa, etc.), my new Texas Fam (Mel, Bush School, BGSA folks, GSC folks), my Grandmother, God, etc. I wanted to name more (Ms. Jackson, Kells, Rafa, Ang, etc.) specific people but there are too many that has touched my life in their own specific way. So without further adieu: thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

4. Avoid procrastination.

• May be the hardest thing to do.

5. Travel a little bit?

• List of places I want to go: home, Las Vegas, Orlando, Illinois, and.....

6. Continue to serve where I can and when I can.

7. Try to figure out what happens after graduate school

• Just where do I go and do after "Texas"? Work? Phd? Go swimming?

8. Continue talking to God and my Grandmother.

• Everyday....all day.

9. Reach out to my dad.

• ............

10. Graduate from grad school (and figure out how to get my ma to watch it).

• She cant fly (afraid of heights), don't know if she can stand 16 hours on the road (her knees are not the greatest)....still...whether she is here in person, watching online, or on the phone with me as I walk across the stage, she will be with me every step.

August 12, 2010 Confession

My confession today is that I spoke to my Uncle Chief for the first time in many years.



My Uncle Chief (in the picture to the right with my Grandfather) was one of the biggest trouble makers of my family yet he was the one that I looked up to the most.When I was younger, I would be given the nickname Co-Chief because of our resemblence. Chief is not his real name of course but given to him by everybody because of his long hair and his reddish skin. I would come to see him all the time over my Grandmothers house until 1993. That is when he was arrested and sentenced to 2nd degree murder. He was around 25 years old and I was only 13 years old.

When I visit home next month it will be the first time in 16 years since we have seen each other. I don't know what to expect and to be honest, I don't know what to feel. When I spoke to him tonight on the phone, I expected to hear the same voice I heard as a 13 year old. But...he sounded a lot different. He also mentioned that I didn't sound the same (I'm 30 now and not the 13 year old I used to be).

He spoke to me of how the world (the South Side.....South Phoenix....) has changed since he last seen it. I felt a little guilty talking to him because of the fact that I hadn't seen him in so long. At least I'm happy that next month I will be able to tell him why I couldn't visit him in jail. It wasn't the fact that I didn't want to see him. Or the fact I couldn't stand to see him. I honestly didn't feel worthy enough to see him. With all of his kids (5), wife, mother, etc., I honestly didn't feel that the value of seeing me was worth as much as seeing his true family.

Sly

My new confession

So...this past 4th of July (2010) was hard on me for two primary reasons.

The first reason was because it was one of the first 4th of July holidays that I have spent away from my family. No I do not have any kids, so when I speak of my family I speak of my Ma, my sister, grandparents, cousins, etc. Often times it is holidays like these that we will find ourselves over somebody's house and eating all the food that my Ma would spend the majority of the day (on bad knees and swollen ankles) cooking. Although it was a good time for self-reflection, my mind drifted from reflecting about the past and not necessary the present or the future. (Not that's a bad thing...just a point I thought I should make.

The second reason why the 4th of July was hard for me was because of the Black Graduate Student Association Barbecue that I attended. As I looked around the barbeque and saw various new faces in my life that I have come to laugh with, share laughs with, roll eyes at...it made me miss the family barbeque's that my family used to have.

These two reasons lead me to my confession.

Ready?

Here it is: I have not seen the movie Ray since 2004.

Although that confession does not sound like much, the reason behind it means the world to me. At the family barbeque's that I would attend, it became habit that my Aunt Faye would put on movies for my Grandfather to watch. One of his (if not all time favorite actor) is Denzel Washington. So any Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day gathering we would have, a Denzel Washington movie would be on their tv. . My Grandfather and often times my Grandmother would watch these movies while the family did typical family things (play spades, dominoes, bum a cig, etc.)

Well there are so many many Denzel Washington movies that my Grandfather can watch before the supply will run low. So....one holiday, my Aunt Faye put in the movie Ray. I remember sitting next to my Grandmother watching the movie and talking to her about the style of dress (when men wore suits everywhere), the music (a mix of gospel and blues) and living in the south.

Shortly after watching that movie with my Grandmother....in March of 2005 she would pass away after fighting a battle after surgery in the hospital.

Often times I will turn on the TV and on the FX network, Ray would be on. No matter what scene of the movie it is on, what song is playing...I turn. I turn the channel because I can remember scenes of the movie while discussing them with my grandmother. To me....the movie Ray will always be special as the last movie I watched, discussed, and talked about life with her. Even though I own the movie, I know I may never watch it again in my lifetime. And I am ok with that...because the memory of sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a hot house, watching a decent movie with my Grandmother is a memory that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. Although I have other memories of my Grandmother and other mementos of her passing (in a box given to me by a friend is the shirt and tie I wore to her funeral wrapped around her obituary that I read her eulogy from), but this moment was and will continue to be special to me.

My grandmother and I often talked about life, music, the blues, living through oppression, the bible, forgiving my father, etc. And watching Ray with her, combined all of those elements into one surreal moment. One that years later (over 6 years now), will not allow me to watch Ray again.

Even more surreal was Jamie Foxx's speech when he won best actor for his portrayal of Ray Charles. Jamie Foxx won the best actor on Sunday February 27, 2005. By this time, my Grandmother was not well with many tubes, machines, keeping her alive as she laid in the hospital. Because of the respirator, it was very difficult for her to talk and because of the stress on her body, it was very difficult for her to try to talk. So on that Sunday when Jamie Foxx won his award, he spoke of his grandmother (who raised him and has also passed on) and how she would whip him when he got into trouble. After the whipping, she would talk to him and tell him why he was being whipped. Before he walked offstage his last words to the audience was ".....she still talks to me now, but only now she talks to me in my dreams. And I cant wait to go to sleep because we have a lot to talk about. I love you." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2a1nzAciMc)

There have been times where my Grandmother will talk to me in my dreams (she and Ms. Dorris telling me it was ok to move to Texas, asking if I wanted some candy, etc.)....but often times, I talk to her everyday. She is with me every moment of my life as I experience both joy and heartache. Heck, being the habitual person that I am, I whisper her name everytime, and I mean everytime my flight lands so that she will make sure that God is watching me land.

So as I end this post, I'll leave you with a song from the Ray Soundtrack that again, summarizes many things my Grandmother has told me at one point before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFaUmhgJtBU

So......

Hey all,

Somebody has mentioned that I'm not updating this blog that much. There has been one post that I've been wanting to do for a while but it's been hard to get out.

Rest assured, it will be posted tonight since I have officially been poked and prodded.

Sly