My new confession

So...this past 4th of July (2010) was hard on me for two primary reasons.

The first reason was because it was one of the first 4th of July holidays that I have spent away from my family. No I do not have any kids, so when I speak of my family I speak of my Ma, my sister, grandparents, cousins, etc. Often times it is holidays like these that we will find ourselves over somebody's house and eating all the food that my Ma would spend the majority of the day (on bad knees and swollen ankles) cooking. Although it was a good time for self-reflection, my mind drifted from reflecting about the past and not necessary the present or the future. (Not that's a bad thing...just a point I thought I should make.

The second reason why the 4th of July was hard for me was because of the Black Graduate Student Association Barbecue that I attended. As I looked around the barbeque and saw various new faces in my life that I have come to laugh with, share laughs with, roll eyes at...it made me miss the family barbeque's that my family used to have.

These two reasons lead me to my confession.

Ready?

Here it is: I have not seen the movie Ray since 2004.

Although that confession does not sound like much, the reason behind it means the world to me. At the family barbeque's that I would attend, it became habit that my Aunt Faye would put on movies for my Grandfather to watch. One of his (if not all time favorite actor) is Denzel Washington. So any Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day gathering we would have, a Denzel Washington movie would be on their tv. . My Grandfather and often times my Grandmother would watch these movies while the family did typical family things (play spades, dominoes, bum a cig, etc.)

Well there are so many many Denzel Washington movies that my Grandfather can watch before the supply will run low. So....one holiday, my Aunt Faye put in the movie Ray. I remember sitting next to my Grandmother watching the movie and talking to her about the style of dress (when men wore suits everywhere), the music (a mix of gospel and blues) and living in the south.

Shortly after watching that movie with my Grandmother....in March of 2005 she would pass away after fighting a battle after surgery in the hospital.

Often times I will turn on the TV and on the FX network, Ray would be on. No matter what scene of the movie it is on, what song is playing...I turn. I turn the channel because I can remember scenes of the movie while discussing them with my grandmother. To me....the movie Ray will always be special as the last movie I watched, discussed, and talked about life with her. Even though I own the movie, I know I may never watch it again in my lifetime. And I am ok with that...because the memory of sitting in an uncomfortable chair in a hot house, watching a decent movie with my Grandmother is a memory that I want to hold on to for the rest of my life. Although I have other memories of my Grandmother and other mementos of her passing (in a box given to me by a friend is the shirt and tie I wore to her funeral wrapped around her obituary that I read her eulogy from), but this moment was and will continue to be special to me.

My grandmother and I often talked about life, music, the blues, living through oppression, the bible, forgiving my father, etc. And watching Ray with her, combined all of those elements into one surreal moment. One that years later (over 6 years now), will not allow me to watch Ray again.

Even more surreal was Jamie Foxx's speech when he won best actor for his portrayal of Ray Charles. Jamie Foxx won the best actor on Sunday February 27, 2005. By this time, my Grandmother was not well with many tubes, machines, keeping her alive as she laid in the hospital. Because of the respirator, it was very difficult for her to talk and because of the stress on her body, it was very difficult for her to try to talk. So on that Sunday when Jamie Foxx won his award, he spoke of his grandmother (who raised him and has also passed on) and how she would whip him when he got into trouble. After the whipping, she would talk to him and tell him why he was being whipped. Before he walked offstage his last words to the audience was ".....she still talks to me now, but only now she talks to me in my dreams. And I cant wait to go to sleep because we have a lot to talk about. I love you." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y2a1nzAciMc)

There have been times where my Grandmother will talk to me in my dreams (she and Ms. Dorris telling me it was ok to move to Texas, asking if I wanted some candy, etc.)....but often times, I talk to her everyday. She is with me every moment of my life as I experience both joy and heartache. Heck, being the habitual person that I am, I whisper her name everytime, and I mean everytime my flight lands so that she will make sure that God is watching me land.

So as I end this post, I'll leave you with a song from the Ray Soundtrack that again, summarizes many things my Grandmother has told me at one point before.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eFaUmhgJtBU